As a LinkedIn ghostwriter, I’ve spent more time on Linkedin over the last two years than I care to calculate.
Here’s my A to Z guide of the weirdest phenomena you’ll find in the big blue box:
A is for Algo - Some say the Guardian of the Secret Order of the Algo is Bill Gates himself. Writers' fruitful sacrifices on the altar of Algo include Carousels, Selfies and sob stories (see C and S for more).
B is for Broetry - The Sales Bro's haiku. One sentence paragraphs only. The moral? “hustle harder.”
C is for Carousel - Perfect algorithm fodder using graphics to paper over a dearth of useful information.
D is for DMs - where every “I’d love to connect” quickly turns into a Pitch Slap (see P) faster than you can type Sales Bro.
E is for Engagement Pod - raising an army of AI Bots to conquer the feed, one comment at a time.
F is for Followers - unicorn blood for LinkedInfluencers.
G is for “Great post, thanks for sharing”. - Please. Do better.
H is for Humblebrag - read: ‘Delighted to share that…’
I is for Impressions - LinkedInfluencer oxygen.
J is for Joy. - When your Humblebrag post gets a Like from that old colleague you always hated.
K is for Kudos - cringey public displays of corporate affection where colleagues awkwardly praise each other for doing their job.
L is for LinkedInfluencer - will take your money on LinkedIn, by showing you how to make money on LinkedIn, by talking about how to make money on LinkedIn.
M is for Microsoft - LinkedIn’s owner, overlord of the secret order of the Algo.
N is for Ninja - job title modifier for anyone who wants to sound like they're doing something more exciting than they actually are. Accounts Payable Ninja, anyone?
O is for Open To Work - the reverse of a ‘Bride to Be’ sash on a hens party. Screams “I’m on the market”. And not in a good way. Writers: Steer clear.
P is for Pitch Slap - if it looks like a turkey, walks like a turkey, and gobbles like a turkey...
Q is for Quiet Quitting - LinkedIn is a great place to spend time if you need to occupy your desk for a few hours.
R is for Repost - AKA the ‘my boss asked me to support the Company LinkedIn content, but I don’t want to sully my personal values’ button.
S is for Selfie - Selfies are a worthy sacrifice for LinkedInfluencers who want to feed the Algo (see V for Viral). Proven to increase Impressions by 30% on average amongst people who will never ever buy from you.
T is for Thought Leader - if it’s in your LinkedIn Headline, you ain’t it.
U is for Unfollow - the only thing to do when you see a post called “A CEO that I worked for seduced my wife in direct retaliation for my pushback on him at work.” Yes, someone actually posted this on Linkedin.
V is for Viral - the Holy Grail for LinkedInfluencers. By feeding the algo the perfect concoction of a click-worthy personal story, a random selfie and a tangentially related business lesson inspired by a Stephen Bartlett quote, it’s possible to have your post spread like a literal virus across the platform to reach millions of Impressions.
W is for Who’s Viewed Your Profile - the anxiety-inducing feature that makes you wonder why your ex-colleague from three jobs ago is suddenly checking you out.
X is for X - the biggest driver of new active LinkedIn users since Musk took over. It’s a jungle over there.
Y is for You - if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem. Where your selfies at!?
Z is for Zoomers - the generation turning LinkedIn into Facebook, one beach engagement photo with business lessons at a time.
And there you have it—the A to Z of LinkedIn absurdities, where the Algo reigns supreme, and the line between professional networking and unintentional comedy is thinner than a Linkedinfluencer's moral fibre.
But hey, it's still better than Twitter, right?
Joe McKay is a LinkedIn coach helping digital Solopreneurs build a business they love by publishing words on the internet. Find Joe on Linkedin.
As a LinkedIn ghostwriter, I’ve spent more time on Linkedin over the last two years than I care to calculate.
Here’s my A to Z guide of the weirdest phenomena you’ll find in the big blue box:
A is for Algo - Some say the Guardian of the Secret Order of the Algo is Bill Gates himself. Writers' fruitful sacrifices on the altar of Algo include Carousels, Selfies and sob stories (see C and S for more).
B is for Broetry - The Sales Bro's haiku. One sentence paragraphs only. The moral? “hustle harder.”
C is for Carousel - Perfect algorithm fodder using graphics to paper over a dearth of useful information.
D is for DMs - where every “I’d love to connect” quickly turns into a Pitch Slap (see P) faster than you can type Sales Bro.
E is for Engagement Pod - raising an army of AI Bots to conquer the feed, one comment at a time.
F is for Followers - unicorn blood for LinkedInfluencers.
G is for “Great post, thanks for sharing”. - Please. Do better.
H is for Humblebrag - read: ‘Delighted to share that…’
I is for Impressions - LinkedInfluencer oxygen.
J is for Joy. - When your Humblebrag post gets a Like from that old colleague you always hated.
K is for Kudos - cringey public displays of corporate affection where colleagues awkwardly praise each other for doing their job.
L is for LinkedInfluencer - will take your money on LinkedIn, by showing you how to make money on LinkedIn, by talking about how to make money on LinkedIn.
M is for Microsoft - LinkedIn’s owner, overlord of the secret order of the Algo.
N is for Ninja - job title modifier for anyone who wants to sound like they're doing something more exciting than they actually are. Accounts Payable Ninja, anyone?
O is for Open To Work - the reverse of a ‘Bride to Be’ sash on a hens party. Screams “I’m on the market”. And not in a good way. Writers: Steer clear.
P is for Pitch Slap - if it looks like a turkey, walks like a turkey, and gobbles like a turkey...
Q is for Quiet Quitting - LinkedIn is a great place to spend time if you need to occupy your desk for a few hours.
R is for Repost - AKA the ‘my boss asked me to support the Company LinkedIn content, but I don’t want to sully my personal values’ button.
S is for Selfie - Selfies are a worthy sacrifice for LinkedInfluencers who want to feed the Algo (see V for Viral). Proven to increase Impressions by 30% on average amongst people who will never ever buy from you.
T is for Thought Leader - if it’s in your LinkedIn Headline, you ain’t it.
U is for Unfollow - the only thing to do when you see a post called “A CEO that I worked for seduced my wife in direct retaliation for my pushback on him at work.” Yes, someone actually posted this on Linkedin.
V is for Viral - the Holy Grail for LinkedInfluencers. By feeding the algo the perfect concoction of a click-worthy personal story, a random selfie and a tangentially related business lesson inspired by a Stephen Bartlett quote, it’s possible to have your post spread like a literal virus across the platform to reach millions of Impressions.
W is for Who’s Viewed Your Profile - the anxiety-inducing feature that makes you wonder why your ex-colleague from three jobs ago is suddenly checking you out.
X is for X - the biggest driver of new active LinkedIn users since Musk took over. It’s a jungle over there.
Y is for You - if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem. Where your selfies at!?
Z is for Zoomers - the generation turning LinkedIn into Facebook, one beach engagement photo with business lessons at a time.
And there you have it—the A to Z of LinkedIn absurdities, where the Algo reigns supreme, and the line between professional networking and unintentional comedy is thinner than a Linkedinfluencer's moral fibre.
But hey, it's still better than Twitter, right?
Joe McKay is a LinkedIn coach helping digital Solopreneurs build a business they love by publishing words on the internet. Find Joe on Linkedin.
Further Reading
