A lot of people ask me for writing advice. I can't walk down the street without complete strangers throwing themselves at my feet, begging for a crumb of knowledge about alliteration or some shit. There are days I don't even leave my apartment, for fear of being accosted by these ravenous advice-seekers.

Thing is, I don't have any advice to give. I'm not George Orwell.

The other arvo, as I was fleeing a crowd of these leeches, I heard someone yell: "Think fast, Steiner!"

As I turned in the direction of the voice, a paper airplane hit me right in my left temple. A black Camry with tinted windows sped by. I didn't get the plate.

I picked the airplane up off the footpath and unfolded it. Here's what was written on the piece of paper:

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5 writing tips that are way better than anything Dan Steiner has to tell you:

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1. People like lists

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Do I need to tell you this? I feel like yes, because I see so many slabs of meandering, inscrutable bullshit out there (usually by you, Steiner, you irksome hack). Just make a list. Simple, easy, efficient. It's a story in point form.

Also, lists are good because finite is good. Like a patient on the eve of their first colonoscopy, your reader wants to know what they're in for and when they can leave.

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2. Know your enemies (or at least three of them)
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Denial: Don't ask people to read your shit unless you're willing to listen to what they have to say about it.

Distraction: It's better to tell people to leave you alone because you need to focus than tolerate every notification and knock at the door. If you need to, risk hurting some feelings—they'll forgive you.

Doubt: Will you write stuff that's lousy? Yeah. Will you write stuff that's great? Yeah. Will you throw in the towel when it gets tough?

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3.  Understand what's behind your decisions

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That striking figure sitting on the same train carriage as you... are they striking? Or are they: Attractive? Sexy? Cute? Pretty? Handsome? Flamin' hot?

The choice is yours, but one word can change everything, so get clear on why you chose that word over any other.

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4. Stop trying so hard

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Don't force being funny or sounding smart because you'll end up achieving neither. Then you'll read it back and wonder if you were ever either to begin with. Bet this happens to you all the time, right, Steiner?

A piece of writing will tell you what it needs to be. Just go with it.

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5.  Visit a food court

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Have you ever seen a couple break up at a ramen joint? I have. Across the way, there's a little girl and her dad sharing a muffin. Sharing is a strong word; he's more of a spectator. A few tables over from them is an old couple out for coffee; they sit together in silence. Teens walk by, hand-in-hand, holding phones in their free hands, looking lovingly at their screens.

This is just a snippet of what I saw during a couple minutes at a food court.

If you're feeling uninspired, plant yourself in the world for a bit. Open your eyes. Everything is material.

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Dan is a writer who lives in Sydney. He will give you words in exchange for money, but he won't give you writing advice. You can link up with him here.